Always and Forever
by Bob Regent
Summary: Xander's Conscience is causing him a problem- He writes about his life in A fanfic
1. Prologue

Always (Prologue)  
By Bob R  
Disclaimer- BTVS and the gang belong to Joss 'Pain in the posterior' Whedon  
Dedication: To Vanessa (She'll never read this) and to those of us who have someone that will stay with them for a long time may you all have good lives.  
Author's note: Yes I nicked names from other fics but only because they were good names.  
Feedback- 'Gee Let me think' Sure  
  
Dedication leelee_bitca@yahoo.co.uk  
thecrypticman@hotmail.com  
vampiregirlssuck2000@yahoo.com  
princessbuffy79@hotmail.com  
xandman2000@yahoo.com  
zauriel_angelus@yahoo.com.sg   
NYAngel5674@aol.com  
  
  
  
  
Prologue  
  
Xander sat down at his table and pulled out a computer notepad, he had recently got hold of an internet capable machine of his own and had thought about getting some writing of his on the net. He turned on the machine and loaded up the word processing software he thought about what he could write and it came to him. He started to type away and soon got engrossed.  
  
He knew what he wanted to write- a story about him and his friends he believed that if he wrote it maybe he may get something back from it. His every thought was going into this every feeling he had was going to go into this story.  
  
  
Always and Forever  
By  
WtKnightwing  
Email: Wtkt@mutantenemy.com  
Dedication: To My try love of my life and 'Slayer of my heart'.  
Author's note: This is my first on-line fiction please be gentle  
Feedback- 'Gee Let me think' Sure  
  
The dark haired young man flew through the air crashing into the tree, a branch stabbing into his shoulder. He pulled himself off with a grunt of pain blood was running down his damaged arm.  
  
"Hey fangface wanna bite." He growled.  
  
The vampire looked up from his attempt to kill the young blond woman she was on top of, that was all she needed to plunge to wooden stake into it's heart. She coughed as the dust cloud settled on top of her. He walked over and used his uninjured arm to help her up.  
  
"That's another one down. You OK Buffy."  
  
The blond girl looked at him, "Yeah I'm fine. What was that want a bite thing there."  
  
"Nothing just trying to get his attention." He pulled his jacket around himself to stop the show of blood that was still running a bit.  
  
"Well let's get back to Giles he'll know what's up, I mean seven vamps in two nights- something's going on and I have a weird feeling like just before..."  
  
"Hey it's not your fault Willow is gone, she was killed before she even know what hit her. I miss her too she was my best friend. I..."  
  
"Go on Xan."  
  
"I loved her Buffy even after what happened, she was the only person to see me for who I am not the brainless moron everyone sees me as. It seems whatever I do I lose someone and it hurts but I've lost my parents, my best friends, my girlfriend all to the demons and vampires. I lost everyone and I'm... I'm leaving Buffy I'm leaving Sunnydale and not coming back.  
  
  
"You Can't do that to me Alexander Harris, I'm the last here you and me we're still here, We're all that's left."  
  
"Wake up Buffy we stay here we'll die, we may survive a year hell maybe even three or four but we will die. Got over it Buff. I'm going and if you have any sense left you'll go too. Yesterday's funeral is the last I'm going to attend in this damn town."  
  
  
"Damn you Xander this isn't about that is it." She grabbed his head and brought it down to her lips, she kissed him and held on tight letting him know that she wanted him to say. He responded by grabbing her and pulling her away from him.  
  
"Dammit Buffy NO, I'm am not going to do this I am getting out now, maybe you can't but I sure as hell am not going to stay her and bury you when you die. That Buffy would kill me, I love you Buffy but I won't stay and see you die.  
  
"With That he turned around and walked off. Never to return."  
  
****************************  
  
Xander turned from the screen and closed his eyes- he decided to go for some food. He saved it on the screen and left it on his table he left soon afterwards. Five Minutes later a hand knocked on the door, when there was no answer it opened thanks to a key given to the visitor by Xander.  
  
"Xander" Buffy's voice came through the door. She walked in and closed the door. The only thing on in the house was a laptop computer connected to a phone cable. She lifted the top and activated the screen.  
  
"Xander's been writing again" She murmured as she started to read the writing. Her eyes got wider and her mouth started to gape. She had no idea this is how he felt or that he was like this then she saw the final sentences. Her hands went to her mouth.  
  
"Oh Xander Why didn't you tell me."  
  
  
End Prologue  
  



	2. Part 1

  
Part 1  
  
A stunned Buffy Summers was sitting on a chair in Xander's apartment a few tears had made their way down her face and were falling onto the table next to the computer. She had no idea his feelings were like this, he had always be the strongest one every time something happened to one of them he had been there and had helped them thought it.  
  
Willow: Loss of Jesse, her teenage angst even when it was about him, that demon in the computer, she lost Oz, lost everything at one point or another. Xander has always stepped up and helped her.  
  
Giles: Giles had had it rough, even if he would never admit it he had always been helped by Xander- his comic ability and his friendship had helped the librarian after everything.  
  
Anya: She was human for the first time in 1000 years but Xander still stuck with her- her had always loved her, she was annoying and rude and self absorbed. Xander saw through everything and helped her no matter what but when she disappeared on him she really broke him. He had never been so upset with himself as he had been when he let her go.  
  
Cordelia: Xander had always been her biggest enemy- the only guy that ever could fight her on her own terms. He had changed herb completely she was no longer the person she was. Now she was a caring, beautiful and sensitive person who had helped others more than herself.  
  
ME: What can I say he knows me more than I ever knew myself without him I would be dead, insane, lost. I never want him to leave me he's the only person who I trust with myself, he only man that I never put my life in the hands of, I couldn't do it with anyone else, not Angel not Riley and not Giles. Xander was the only one.   
  
'Sigh'  
  
She wiped her face and walked towards the door, she leaned her head again the doorframe and composing herself she walked out the door and away from the apartment she had a little to think about.  
  
Half an hour later.  
  
Xander Harris was whistling whilst trying to get his key in the door while carrying several bags of shopping. A habit he had got into lately by buying all the stuff for the next week he had more time to do stuff. He moved into the room and set the stuff on the counter. He looked around to see his computer on with the screen up.  
  
*Damn I thought I'd shut that down.*  
  
He sat down in the chair and started to type again- he let the thought flow through his fingers as his imagination flowed into the story. Everything he created was based on reality his life and thoughts all went into the story. Changing a few things he wrote some of the most dangerous and disturbing bits of his life maybe people would see this man in the story for who he was.  
  
Alexander Harris walked down the roads of Sunnydale for the final time, his entire life had been in this town he had grown up and fallen in love in this town. His life had got more and more complicated since the arrival of the beautiful blonde who was the last of the people in his life- Buffy Summers. He had never denied he had been attracted to her, but the night she was killed and he had brought her back he had admitted to himself that he loved her and always would, enough that he had gone against all the others in his life and force his greatest enemy to help him find the woman he loved.  
  
*Flashback*  
  
"Look I don't like you, at the end of the day I think you're a Bastard. But Buffy's got a big old yen for you."  
  
"You love her don't you." Replied Angel  
  
"Don't you."  
  
The two of them made their way down to the lair of the Master a powerful vampire that Buffy was at that moment facing. They finally made their way into the underground cavern and when they got there what Xander saw stopped his and froze his soul- a cold that would never been undone.  
  
"She's dead." Said Angel  
  
"No not if she drowned maybe there's a chance CPR!"  
  
"You'll have to do it I can't remember??"  
  
Xander started the compression on Buffy's heart all thought fled his mind, space and time had no meaning. Nothing existed except this woman and his attempt to save her- he WOULD NOT let her go, not this time, not ever. He promised himself that if he ever managed to save her life here he would do anything to save her life no matter what.   
She started to breathe and to cough up water.  
  
"Welcome back to the land of the living Buff."  
  
"Xander??".  
  
  
His thought then drifted to the next year, Angel had finally gone insane and was systematically trying to kill or destroy his enemies all that stood between him and this destruction were: His former love and the one person who scared him- Buffy Summers, One Man who kept an eye on his protege and her friends- Rupert Giles, A genius hacker and brilliant mind- Willow Rosenberg. Her boyfriend and dangerous man when annoyed Daniel Osbourne. A teacher and wicca Jenny Calender, and two normal but brave humans Cordelia Chase and Alexander Harris.  
  
Angel had started killing several people at random and through some type of ability resurrect several of the dead, he had managed to resurrect them. One night Xander and Buffy had come across one of these newly undead.  
  
Buffy summers signed the book of friends for the young woman in the casket- she had known her from school- yet another person she failed, she couldn't help but feel that she should have done something. Within second the undead girl was up and trying to kill Buffy. The girl said three words that froze Buffy who stopped fighting.  
  
"Angel says hello."  
  
Just as the girl was about to kill Buffy it screamed and turned to just. Behind her Xander had grabbed a stand broken of one of it's legs and pushed it through her heart. He helped Buffy up and held her as she began to shake, he held her as she looked up at him and they froze there for a few seconds.  
  
*Buffy- I can't not know this isn't the right time.*  
  
*Why are you always there for me Xander.*  
  
A subconscious agreement meant they let each other go , they left the room and walked out into the night.  
  
********  
  
Xander stopped writing and thought about downloading it into a Website he had been told about.- he logged onto Fanfiction.net and downloaded in into a newly created author section.  
  
  
  
A few minutes later in L.A.  
  
Cordelia was flipping through a few WebPages and picked up on one called Fanfiction.net she opened it and went to the newest stories section. She looked at one of them and opened it up.  
  
"What the hell." She murmured and picked up her cell phone she had to tell Angel and Wesley about this.  
  
  



	3. Part 2

  
Part 2  
  
Angel and Wesley's current location- somewhere in the sewers.  
  
"Well I always thought the omena demon was the guardian of the gateway." Said Wesley.  
  
"No the Omena demon is a bounty hunter specialising in undead and their..." he stopped as his phone rang- it was Cordelia.  
  
"Angel you might want to get back here and see this." She said.  
  
"We're on our way back now, we got the Omena demon and for once Wesley didn't get covered in demon guts."  
  
"Ha Bloody Ha" murmured Wesley.  
  
"Ok see you soon.  
  
  
Soon- in fact ten minutes later.  
"So what's the news Cordelia." Asked Wesley.  
  
"You guys have to read this." She pointed to the webpage on the screen, "I think I know who's writing it."  
  
Always and Forever  
By  
WtKnightwing  
Email: Wtkt@mutantenemy.com  
Dedication: To My try love of my life and 'Slayer of my heart'.  
Author's note: This is my first on-line fiction please be gentle  
Feedback- 'Gee Let me think' Sure  
  
The enemy having renamed himself Angelus had decided to ambush his ex-girlfriend and her friends, the young woman had fallen ill with a virus that was exhausting her. He attacked and was starting to win until her friend Xander managed to get a good shot in. A few punches and kicks and Angelus ran for his life.   
  
Xander ran for Buffy, finding her out cold he scooped her up and ran to the car with her in his arms. They reached the hospital and he still hadn't let her go. He ran in and shouted to the doctors,  
  
"She's sick make her better." Even then he still wouldn't let anything happen to her, this devotion was to go to an extreme the young man never would have thought possible. His friendship was as strong as his heart for this woman, he stayed at the hospital during the entire time his friend was there, and then the storm on the horizon. ANGELUS.  
  
"Visiting hours are over."  
  
"Well I'm pretty much family."  
  
"Come back during the day- oh wait you can't."  
  
"If I want to go in there do you really think you could stop me."  
  
"Maybe not, maybe not me, maybe not those policemen or the orderlies, but I'm game to find out, are you."  
  
"Buffy's White Knight, it must just eat you up that I got there first."  
  
"Your gonna die and I'm going to be there when you do."  
  
The young man had never been so scared in his life, but he realised he couldn't back down. If he did, his friend- his love and his entire family would be dead. But he realised with a start that Angelus was afraid, afraid of him. This man who could kill him with barely a thought was afraid of HIM. Angelus knew he was going down and that this young man would be responsible.- Little did he know he was right.  
  
**********************  
  
"Little did he know he was right?" Wesley said  
  
"This is all in his head trying to be the hero again, could any of this be real. I was there when this story was set but everything else. I'm not sure I can believe that. Xander rarely ever did anything like that, I may have called him the Zeppo but I know they need him""  
  
"Because it's true." Came a voice from behind.  
  
"Angel?"  
  
"Everything he has written is true. I was afraid of him that night, Angelus was trying to kill Buffy. All that stood in his way was Xander. Xander was right to do what he did, Angelus would have killed him with only a thought that it would weaken the Scooby Gang. Unfortunately he didn't realise quite what Xander could do and once he had realised he was afraid of him like he had never been afraid of anyone."  
  
"Wow." Whispered Cordy, "Do you think that the guys in Sunnydale know about this."  
  
"Unlikely, maybe we should tell them about it." Said Wesley.  
  
"OK." Replied Cordelia as she picked up the phone.  
  
  
The Magic shop   
Sunnydale  
30 seconds later.  
  
The phone rings in the shop, Buffy is training in the back room, her mind obviously not on the job, she's thinking about the writing she saw at Xander's apartment. Willow and Tara are looking for some information on the net, and Giles was looking through applications for an assistant. Since Anya had left things had been quiet in the shop.  
  
"Hello The Magic Box, oh hello Cordelia, yes we have, yes they are. Hold on please. Willow Cordelia says to go to a page called Fanfiction.net and look up a story on the new stories page. Called..." To phone " Umm-hmm, OK Cordelia, called Always and forever."  
  
At that Buffy missed with a crescent kick and fell over. She at on the floor and sighed Giles went over to her.  
  
"Are you alright Buffy."  
  
"I'm fine Giles just remembered something."  
  
"Giles I got it, it's Oh my god."  
  
"Willow, what is it."  
  
"Giles you have to see this, you too Buffy."  
  
*I already know what it is.*  
  
Giles made his way over to the Computer and started to read his eyes widened at the story then he flicked to the end of the current parts already there- a new piece had been added.  
  
  
"Buffy you might like to see this."  
  
************************  
  
  
There are many things that people will do to each other to keep alive, hurt each other physically. Leave them alone for a long time, put them down and smash their confidence- but none so bad as the breaking of a confidence of a friend. This is a story that will be told here.  
  
This day was the final fight between the beautiful Buffy Summers and the evil Angelus, she still loved him and she knew she had made mistakes but after she had found her friends bleeding, hurt of dead she had finally chosen to do it. She was to fight the man who she had loved and now she would kill him. Her friends were no help anymore, a plan to stop the evil had failed in it's tracks and now one of her friends was in a coma.  
  
His friend and father figure Giles had been captured and tortured by Angelus and her plan was to get him out and fight. She had her doubts if she could do it, but she was not alone. The attempt on her friend's lives had left one person able to help her- Xander. He had arrived to help even with the cast on a broken arm.  
  
*********  
  
At his apartment Xander flexed his hand it didn't hurt so much anymore, even after being broken several times. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath he was about to reveal his greatest secret to the world and he knew he had to, he started typing again.  
  
************  
  
The plan to stop the madman was going to take effect again, they were trying it one more time to save their friend, Willow who had now awoken from the coma was going to try a spell. It was Xander's job to tell Buffy they were to try it again and that they could stop him.  
  
"Buffy Willow to me to tell you..."  
  
This was the point where he betrayed every one of his friends- friends that he knew were going to leave him when they found out.  
  
"To kick his Ass."  
  
There it was a lie that was to haunt Xander Harris to the end of his days, maybe one day they would forgive him but he knew that he was to lose them no matter what. Even with the death of his enemy Xander had very little to be happy for, his friend was seriously hurt, and the woman he loved now ran from town. He never went after her and all the times afterwards even years down the road he would always regret never looking for her.  
  
****************  
  
L.A.  
Cordelia "Oh"  
  
Sunnydale  
Willow "My"  
  
Both  
Wes and Giles "God"  
  
Xander posted the latest part and sat back he knew he had to finish this but ow much further could he go.  
  
Buffy sat down on the main table in the shop, she knew something was wrong that day. Xander hated Angel and vice versa and now she knew why- fear and anger on both sides. She started to sob.   
  
*Dammit Xander why didn't you tell me.*  
  
  
Xander's hands started to type again.  
  
With the loss of the one person able to stop the evil in the town it was up to her friends to stop them, even with help from the gang- they had very little success. Most of them were still down about losing one of their best friends.   
  
They were never angry no matter what they said to her when she came back, Fear, Sadness, nerves, hurt, and guilt maybe, never anger. His own fears and secrets were part of that guilt he realised that if she was ever going to get anywhere she must never know these things only that he was there when she needs him- no matter what.  
  
  
Buffy returned and for Xander Harris, life went on. Until his life started to crash down around his ears. He made mistakes in his life he never should have, he lost a woman who meant much to him, the friendship of the only male friend he had since he lost Jesse three years before and worst of all the affection and friendship of Willow- he oldest and most trusted friend. He wished so much to change things and to make sure his friends were OK, bit by bit it worked until one day things happened that almost crushed him.  
  
He had made mistakes in his life especially around his friend but one night he was almost killed by a huge man, his life had finally crashed to rock bottom his friends decided to give up on him..  
  
"Xander you should stop getting in the way. Maybe you should stay out of the fights from now on."  
  
His entire life he had been told he was useless and couldn't do anything. Everything he had ever done seemed now to mean nothing. He shouldn't have been surprised and so he decided to do something about it, he managed to borrow his uncle's car and started to drive around but again his 'friends' made him a laughing stock. He realised that's all people saw of him the goofball useless piece of shit, they more or less called him that just never the words.  
  
That night he got into his own trouble and Xander ended up running the car for an undead street gang, all much like the man who had threatened and hijacked him, they decided to bake a cake at the high school.  
  
He managed to lose the gang and saved a young woman who had come into their lives a few weeks before- Faith. A dark haired beauty that shared the part of his heart with Buffy- the two women were both incredible but he couldn't have either. He cared for both, hopefully one day they would both know this. His life went even further down hill after that with his being used and thrown out by her- he really thought he had got through to her.   
  
In his car he was thinking- after seeing the stuff in his car left by the gang he realised they were baking the kind of cake that would kill people and finding out where he had to get there first. The gang were at the school- the school with all his friends there. He had to get there fast- his friends lives depended on it.  
  
His friends had no Idea what was going on and he had to stop the gang from destroying them, his friends were fighting for their lives already. He had to do this on his own, he knew he was going to die that day, he had no chance and just wished he had told his friends the truths of his life they had not known. He removed several of the gang and finally made his way to the ticking bomb, trying to disarm it he fought the maker of the bomb- Jack.  
  
"I suppose it comes down to it who's less afraid."  
  
"I'm not I'm already dead."  
  
"This isn't the drinking with your buddies dead, it's the janitor sweeping up your remains dead."  
  
"What about you."  
  
Xander looks at the man with a strange sense of calm.  
  
"I like the quiet."  
  
*It doesn't look like he's going to do it, Dammit I thought maybe once I could be the one to make the difference to save people I care about- it looks like I was wrong. I'm sorry my friends I tried. Maybe one day somehow I'll make it up to you all*  
5..  
  
4...  
  
3....  
  
Click  
  
The timer stops on two. Xander lets a sigh of relief out and walks up to his foe.  
  
"I don't think I'll be wanting to see you on campus again Jack"  
  
With those Xander closes the door- no-one is going to know of that night no matter what, that was something they don't need to know about- ever. Even the next day when they say it was just as well he wasn't around and he was ridiculed by his ex-girlfriend he smiled and just let it go.  
  
LA and Sunnydale  
  
All around are speechless, no-one even remotely knew any of what happened in this story, they couldn't move and they couldn't breath. Shock and horror across their faces- no idea.  
  
Then something happened.  
  
  



	4. Part 3

Part 3  
  
NEW CHAPTER POSTED  
  
  
His life started to drop even further- everything he tried destroyed more of his self esteem, he failed in much of his life, he started to lose his friend's closeness, he failed to get to college, failed himself, the only thing he ever did right was pay for his ex-girlfriend's prom dress. He owed her for all he did- he still loved her very much but would never be able to make up for what he did. He could only do things that would make up for it in some small way.  
  
His friendships with Willow and Oz were strained still but one bright point entered his life- ANYA. A beautiful young woman who spoke her mind and did what she wanted, most people were put off by her but for the next few years would be the only single point in his life, an anchor for him and someone who managed to get him to do things he never would have thought possible.  
  
For a long while afterwards he was very much on his own until the week of graduation, a massive group of people were planning to murder the graduating class of that year. An underground source for his friends had found out that on that day a human sacrifice was going to take place- every teenager at the ceremony. The group- Buffy, Xander, Willow, Oz and Cordelia pulled together every student they could find. This was going to be a fight they could not afford to lose.  
  
  
Xander's own thought on this were muddled the only thing he could think of was of Buffy and his friends if he had to get in the way and save them, then he would. This day for the first time he would let people know what he was capable of, Xander Harris was to lead the student army against the enemy and would fight and fight against them.  
  
"I don't want to lose you."   
"I won't get hurt."   
"That's not what I mean."  
  
Just a few lines and he tried to put across his feelings- she was to fight a former friend that had tried to kill them all and had almost succeeded in killing him- Faith. He had never hated Faith even after all she had done but they had to stop her and if that meant killing her so be it.  
  
The battle was a hell of a fight- a lot of good people died that day, very few of them made it out that day, Xander's leadership of the students saved their lives, Willow and Oz's planning and magic held evil at bay and Giles and Buffy defeated the murderous leader of their group.  
  
Xander Harris that day finally came of age and fought for his life alongside his friends- no his family, the people that he cared for more than anyone. Through spells and demons, undead and evil they would stay together- yes sometimes one or two would be left behind but they would always be pulled back by their friends. He was left alone for that year- in fact he was ignored by his friends even when he was hurt or in trouble their problems always came first especially to Xander.   
  
His friends would lose their first loves and gain new ones, with their loss came Xander's support, his own feelings never came out during that time. Oz's leaving broke Willow and he was there for her, she found a new love and now they are happy together- the new love becoming one of Xander's best friends. His own life would go downhill, derision by his parents, ignored by his friends, unable to hold down a job. Until Anya- she held him down and he pulled himself together, the two of them stayed together for a long time.  
  
Buffy's problems came late in the year, she lost her boyfriend after he went behind her back, she had an argument with Xander about Riley lying to her, running around behind her back and almost getting himself killed. Xander knew what it was like, he himself had done every one of those things to his friends. Xander told her to go after him bring him back if she still loves him- do not let him go it would be a mistake she would always remember and it would be painful for her just like for him. His own advice to himself two years before after Buffy disappeared-every word of his speech had applied to him and he wished he could have taken it. He tried to help everything he could but it was never enough, he was failing her like he failed everything else no matter what he did.  
  
The gang would get stronger, their friendships would stick through thick and thin, allies had come and gone but they would always be there together. The four of them, The Strength, the Knowledge, the Power and the Heart.  
  
Buffy and Willow would find their places in university and manage to find their way in life.  
  
Oz would disappear and find ways to control himself when angered he would reappear and help others when needed.  
  
Cordelia would travel to LA and alongside two former colleagues and friends would fight the evils in LA.  
  
Giles would buy his own shop and make a good living in it, would adopt the little sister of Buffy when their mother passed on. Jesse, Jenny, Ampheta, if your there and your listening look after Joyce for them. We'll see you on that side in the future. Take care of yourselves.  
  
As for Xander Harris he would finally manage to make it for himself, he would get his own apartment a high paying construction job and finally be happy with his life in general except for one thing. He lost Anya some time ago she left him to take up a career, they loved each other and now she was gone.  
  
Xander was alone, his love still stretched across the country, To Faith, To Cordelia and now to Anya, but part of him was still in Sunnydale, his feelings for the woman of his dreams were still strong and maybe one day his life will be enough that he can finally tell her his feelings.  
  
  
***************  
  
To my friends here in this story and to those of you out there on mailing lists, at fanfiction.net and to the woman I love. I hope you liked the story and maybe one day you'll find people like these yourselves. Good luck to you all especially on the list this fic is going to.  
  
  
WhiteKnightWing  
L.A.  
  
****************  
  
  
Xander's fingers finished typing, he read through the work and sent it off before he could change his mind, everything he felt he had written there and had finally come out. His pain, sorrow, hate, love, happiness all boiled down into one piece of fiction. He stood up and switched off the computer.  
  
  
  



	5. Epilogue

Always Epilogue  
By Bob R  
  
Sunnydale  
The Magic Shop  
10 Mins later  
3 hours after the start of the writing.  
  
They had finished reading the writing, there was no doubt now who the writer was. He had managed to tell everyone about the fights but in such a way that nothing about the slayer, the Council, vampires or demon dimensions. He had made it so it sounded both real and fictional.  
  
Around the computer the three girls were sobbing their eyes out, Willow and Tara were holding each other while Giles was holding Buffy and Dawn who had appeared during the first few sentences of the reading of the fic. They had no idea that Xander was like this, his feeling, his emotions they had played with them and pulled them apart with pieces of string. None of them had realised quite how badly they must have hurt him, every piece of his life had been pulled out and examined, every lie, every problem they had put his through was there.  
  
LA and Sunnydale  
Cordelia was crying into Wesley's arms, Wesley himself was shocked at everything that they had done to him. He never liked Xander, but now unlike Angelus he respected the strength of the boy and his courage for his friends. If they ever became friends he would be honoured to be his friend. Wesley's surprise was that such a normal human could do so much for the cause- NO *FOR HIS FRIENDS.*  
  
Cordelia Picked up her cell phone and called Sunnydale.  
  
"Hello Giles"  
  
"Hello Cordelia we just finished reading it, yes umm. We haven't seen him in a day or two- we think he's back from a construction job now. Buffy Said she went to his apartment and that there had been someone in there."  
  
"Well, if you see him tell him to come up to LA I'd like to talk to him OK."  
  
"Very well Cordelia and thank you for telling us about the story." He put the phone down.  
  
"We have to talk to him." Whispered willow, "How could we have done all that to him without realising it. I..." she stopped not knowing what to say. Everything that he had done in 5 years had come out, his bravery and dedication but one thing among others- THE LIE.  
  
"He lied to me Willow." Her tears were still flowing, "He lied about Angel and the spell. How could he do that to me."  
  
"My guess would be- if he hadn't you would be dead and the world would have turned to hell." Said Willow.  
  
Buffy looked up at her friend with tears still in her eyes, she knew the redhead was right but she couldn't be sure what to say. He feelings were confused more now than they were before, her feelings for Xander had always been a closed book. She felt things for him- most women who didn't were blind or stupid- her self included.  
  
She had wanted to jump on him when he came back from his road trip but couldn't get up the nerve. She was afraid that if she got as close as she wanted to that he would leave her alone, everything she had been able to do had been because of him, his heart had given them all strength when they couldn't go on.  
  
The door to the shop opened as she looked round at it, there on the step was Xander,   
  
"Hey guys" he said cheerily, "Whoa who died around here." He had no idea of what was going on, he walked in dropping his bag onto the counter. He looked at the tear-streaked girls and a surprisingly sombre look on Giles' face.  
  
"Xander, we know."  
  
"Know what G-man." He asked seriously. Giles then turned the screen on the computer around and showed him the page, Xander approached it and looked.  
  
"Oh Shit." He whispered.  
  
"Why didn't you tell us any of this Xander." Asked Willow, she approached her friend and looked him in the eyes, she noticed with a start that a big part of the cloudiness in his soul was gone- she could see it in his eyes. He had finally told people what had happened and now he was free of a massive burden in his life.  
  
"Tell you what, Willow. That I was almost killed several times drove away demons and vampires when I was thought no good at that. At the time anyone would have thought I was trying to get brownie points or some thing. I didn't want anyone to know." His voice had got louder and louder. He stopped and composed himself.  
  
"For most of my life I've been told I'm useless, I should do this or that. That time with the sisterhood was it for me. I may have no powers or anything but I can hold my own in a fight." He looks up- "Every one of you has criticised me or made me feel like crap- with the exception of Dawn over there. Well now you know why I took it because I knew what I was capable of and what I could do. It was about time you figured out that I'm not just Xander Harris Funny Guy anymore,"  
  
With that he turned, grabbed his bag and walked out the door.  
  
  
Buffy Summers had watched her friend come in and leave again without saying a word, she heard his speech and remembered all he had written. She made a decision that would wither destroy or change her life forever- she ran after him.   
  
It was raining in Sunnydale, pouring down so hard that you couldn't see more than two feet in front of you, Buffy summers didn't care she knew where he was going somewhere full of good memories, of somewhere where he could think and remember.  
  
He was going Home.  
  
  
She ran through the rain following the path she knew by heart- she had spent most of her time there recently- ever since Dawn had moved in with Giles she had spent more and more time there. She had slept there a few times sometimes on the sofa with Xander next to her, she had never let her feelings get in the way of their friendship until now. She had made her way to the steps of the building Xander's apartment was in, she stopped and stared at the building, did she have the right to go up there and talk to him.  
  
"Hello Buffy." A voice came from behind her.  
  
"Hello Xander." She replied she couldn't look up into his eyes if she did she would lose what little control she had completely. Her emotions and thoughts were confused and lost all around her mind, things that seemed normal or innocuous at the time now came into startling clarity. Everything he had ever done for her came full force into her thoughts. His holding her, his feelings towards her, everything he had said to make her feel better, even the arguments and his speeches that had hurt him and broken his heart just to make her feel better.  
  
For her entire life she had thought Xander's attitude was jealousy towards Angel and Riley even when he had Cordelia and Anya his feelings had never changed. He had got on well with Riley towards the end- the only person he had met for a while that could be a good male friend to him and again had lost that friendship because of what they did.   
  
First Jesse because of vampires, then Oz because of his warewolfism and lastly Riley because he couldn't take doing what they did. He had lost everyone he cares about at one time or another they had always left him alone, Willow had left him alone after their whole 'Fluke thing'. Cordelia had broken up with him and left for L.A. They had left him alone all during their college freshman year. Mostly of course she had left him alone that summer three years ago.  
  
Everything they had done to him hurt him left him alone and he was still here. Still fighting for them- still in love with her still hurting but never giving up never giving into his fears and his anger.  
  
"You realise now don't you, why I do this for you all and why I'm still here." He put his hand under her chin and forced her to look up at him, his eyes- usually clouded or full of pain was clear for the first time in five years. His hurt, anger, jealousy, pain- everything that weighed on his soul had gone, Buffy's walls of protection holding her soul in and keeping everything out. Her strength and determination all disappeared in that second and she started to sob again, she felt to large strong arms hold onto her and rock her.  
  
"Shhh, Buffy I never told anyone most of those things and I don't know why I wrote that all. Except I meant ever word of - nothing there was untrue. I have loved and always loved my friends. I've lost some I've gained some but Always and forever my single point my only beacon to hold onto in my life has been you. You left us but I knew you would come back, I always wished that I had been there to get you and to bring you back to us. That has been the worst part of my life- knowing I should do something but never being able to."  
  
He pulled away and looked into her eyes making contact with them with his own, the mistiness in her eyes the pain and anger all disappearing under his gaze. He loved her and would always be there for her.  
  
"Buffy You have lost a lot in your life some worse than others, Merrick, Your father, Angel, Kendra, Jenny, Faith, Oz, Riley, Your mother, finding out what Dawn really is. Everything you have has been turned upside down and inside out Buffy. You need your friends and family more than ever in the days ahead. Things will happen that you can't stop but look to your friends and you will be okay."  
  
He moved forward and kissed her, this was just a kiss- no end of the world kiss, no passion that built up over time, no everything I've ever felt kiss- but just a kiss. They only thing this kiss sent to both were that they did love each other and always will. She pulled him to her and held on tight, vice versa for Xander, he knew that some things should be and some shouldn't. With any luck Buffy would be OK after this.  
  
They held each other there in the rain, the darkness of the clouds and the drizzle meant nothing to the two young people finally letting the other into their lives both touching places within that they had never allowed anyone else.  
  
"I love you Buffy." He said, he pulled away and let go "I want you to go back to the shop, I'll meet you there I need to do something first." She hesitated not wanting to let him go but had to. She nodded unable to speak, he kissed her on the lips one more time before she left for the shop. Hey eyes and face had started to shine, she had finally found at least one person to be happy with. A joyous smile lit up her face as she looked at him she turned and walked to the shop- the rain was stopping.  
  
"Goodbye Buffy." Said Xander as she got out of earshot.  
  
  
The magic box  
  
Buffy's smile lit up the room as she walked in, she looked happier than anyone had ever seen her, her smile only faltered when she saw the policeman at the table. She looked at Giles who was having a problem standing up.  
  
"Miss Buffy Summers?"  
  
"Yes I'm Buffy Summers."  
  
"I'm afraid I have bad news Miss summers, perhaps you might want to sit down" she sat down next to Dawn who was holding herself and trying to fathom what had happened. The policeman removed his hat and sat down on a chair.  
  
"Miss Summers, there has been an accident in L.A. an explosion at a construction site caused parts of the building to collapse. There was one casualty- a young man named Alexander Harris was killed saving several members of the construction team, he was said to have got people out of the collapsing building before the wall collapsed onto him. I am sorry Miss but he died instantly, the city of LA will posthumously give an award in his memory." He left the building.  
  
  
Buffy Heard this and started to scream.  
  
"No he can't be, I can't lose him too. I just told him, Oh my god I never told him." She started to break down totally.  
  
"You didn't tell him what Buffy?1" asked Willow with tears in her eyes.  
  
"That I love him Willow, I just talked to him and he told me he loved me and now he's gone."  
  
"Giles he was here he wrote that story how could he be gone."  
  
Giles was still in shock at losing the boy who was as much a son to him as he could ever want, the young man was a brave and kindly soul as any he had ever met. He had lost another of his family, he had lost more than most people ever should.  
  
"He... He probably had unfinished business on this world and he was.. a.a.allowed to finish it. Everything he did today was probably to change that, his love for Buffy and his achievements had gone unnoticed he had to put peoples views of him right."  
  
The whole group just sat next to each other and held each other for a long time, each remembering the handsome young man who had made their lives special.  
  
Through a gap at one of the top windows, that same young man looked on at them, tears in his eyes he turned and looked at the man beside him.  
  
"Thank you Whistler, for allowing this."  
  
"You deserved it kid- the slayer and her friends are here because of you. You saved the world and everything, as we know it. The powers that be decided you deserved this, You aren't dead Xander but you now have to leave you have a destiny that awaits you."  
  
"OK Whistler." He looked back at his friends one last time. "I'm ready."  
  
  
The End?  



End file.
